I've Been Published!

Got your attention? Good. So one of the many benefits of living in a small town is that there isn't a lot going on which equates to spots open up in the newspaper for articles. The kind people of the St. Paul Journal have allowed me to submit and they publish basically anything. Pretty cool, eh?

Since many of you do not have access to this fine newspaper, I thought I would share some of my articles.

Enjoy!

There is a VERY big parade that happens every Labour Day weekend (that is the first weekend in September for all of you non-Canadian folks) in St. Paul, Alberta. I thought it would be fitting to address this event. 

Parade Etiquette 101

People are always asking me what should I wear or bring; is it okay to make eye contact? I know that parades can be a scary thing for some so I compiled a list to make your parade experience the best you have ever had. After all, let’s face it, everyone loves a parade (and if you don’t, you have no soul).

1) Get there early. Not only does it offer the benefit of getting a good spot, whether it is in the shade, at the beginning or at the end. BUT you also get a chance to scout out the competition. Move away from those with nimble fingers, from athletic looking teenagers and families that have beautiful children. That calibre of opposition will destroy you.

2) If you come late, don’t be one of those chumps who come less than one minute to start time and then park their family in FRONT of others: not cool. Be gracious and just go to the grocery store to load up on candy. You won’t make any mortal enemies plus think, the wait at the till will be quicker than Disney’s fast pass lines.

3) If diabetes runs in your family, abstain from candy. Or if you have excess duct tape lying around your house, get a neighbour to secure your arms behind your back and have them accompany you to the event.

4) Get to know those riding on/in the floats. People love to throw candy at a friendly face. Yes, literally candy thrown right between the eyes. Accept that on parade day you are a proud Goliath. Be careful, if you are sitting near the participant’s family members, chances are they are going to throw the candy at them and you’re going to miss out. Note: If the parade is in a small town everyone is related so no worries.

5) Starting the week prior to the big event, lead your family in arm exercises. You don’t want to have your arm cramp up half way through the parade from all of that waving. How embarrassing!

6) Be prepared; be overly prepared. Pack lawn chairs, re-useable bags for the 10 tonnes of loot, water bottles, blankets, tarps, umbrellas, tents, and taser guns to deal with the enviable meltdown your child (to use on yourself of course!).

7) Wear protection . . . from the sun. Sun glasses, sunscreen, hats, heck even a helmet might be needed as it literally hails candy on your fragile skull. You can walk away with pelts worse than paintball guns. So be safe my friends.

8) In the days preceding the big parade, you must build up your sugar tolerance level in order to survive. When you wake up pop in some candies with your morning pills, substitute lunchmeat with fruit roll-ups and supper with a hearty course of dessert… followed by dessert. Also, in the future, be open to the idea of having a pancreas transplant, science is getting close.

9) Have a backup plan if horse poop/ excrements decide to rain on your parade. Come with a code word that everyone in your family will remember. Make sure everyone agrees on shouting it on the first sign of animal discomfort

10) Over the space of weeks or (no let’s get real) days of consuming your hard earned candy, make sure you have the name of a good dentist handy. You will thank me later.