Introducing Honey Badger Keyes; A Birthing Story

Big Dragon thought it would be a good idea to have another little dragon around our Little Dragon's age. They can be best buddies, he said, the government will give us a $6000 bursary. I had my hesitations because being a "law school widow" with one child can be a bit overwhelming (especially the weeks preceding final exams) but after some hesitation, I agreed and boom, we had a bun in the oven.

In the summer, we were back in Alberta. During those four months we found out, yes, indeed we were pregnant and yes, it would be another boy type child. I did try everything under the internet sun of making this one a girl. Chugging cranberry juice, timing the conception, whatever seemed like a half-thought-out suggestion I tried but to no avail.

From the timing of my last visit from Auntie Flo the doc's charted January 1st, 2015 as the ETA for this little muffin. Great, I thought. I could have a New Years baby. I am lucky enough that this could work. For those that know me relatively well, since I was in elementary school I have won contests and draws. From free books, colouring contests, to radio call-in's and concert ticket door prizes. I could have a "winning baby" too.

After some research, I discovered that there wasn't really a lot of "perks" of having a New Years baby. Back 20+ years ago when stores weren't chained as they are now, a lot of people liked to donate prizes as a way of advertising for their business. Now-a-days, the hospital may or may not give a gift basket and CTV news or Canada AM may come for an interview for television/newspaper.  Still, I thought I may be able to swing this.

The days and weeks passed, some faster than others and December 17th rolled around. This was an important date for our family because it meant that Big Dragon had completed his last final exam for 2014 and now would be home/on-call 24/7 for the next 2 1/2 weeks. Now I had to be sure that the baby wasn't late, or the very most later than January 4th as he started school the next day. Talk about pressure...

And the pressure kept building. With Little Dragon approximately a week before I went into active labour I had Braxton Hicks contractions every other night, really intense and painful tightening around the abdomen. Not pleasant to say the least. With this pregnancy, I started to have these pains and knew the end was near.

At first, I was pretty active, accompanying Little and Big Dragon to the Aviation museum and walking around the barns at the Agriculture museum. We had a quiet Christmas, eating at the Elgin Street dinner in the morning and the following nights watching Netflix shows and getting Greek, Chinese, Quebecois take-out. I got really into the travel series Idiot Abroad. Soo funny! And Big Dragon and I tend to agree on only two genres, comedies and documentaries. Who thought Honey Badgers were that tough? Biting Rhinos junk and maneuvering into peoples houses to raid the fridge. Man.

December 30th rolled around and I could feel major changes happening. My sister-in-law suggested that I rest and stay in bed as much as possible if I indeed wanted to try to have this New Years baby. Alright, that sounds good to me.

December 31st came. Big Dragon graciously got up with Little Dragon and I was able to sleep in until 9am. I lied in bed for the next 30 minutes as I felt the waves of pain come and go. Yup, this is it. It wasn't intense but I began to remember what labour was. I told Big Dragon that I didn't think I would last until tomorrow. This baby was going to be making his arrival today.

By noon we had contacted our close friends and Little Dragon's usual babysitter and dropped him off. "I will cry for you a little" he told us. He kept his promise. When we called him from the hospital to let the sitter know everything was alright, she put him on the phone and he was sad to say the least (we usually don't leave him more than a few hrs, he was going on 8+).

Back to the story, after dropping off Little Dragon we were on-route to the hospital. Maybe we should stop by the mall, I suggested. I hate hospitals and I knew that once we checked in there would be no turning back. And since they treat people like fast food items, knew that they would want me to labour as quickly as possible. My contractions were 6-7 minutes apart... sitting down. Let's stop at this Value Village, it is on the way. So we did. Walking around the store my contractions increased to 3-4 minutes apart. Maybe, we should just go to the hospital after all. I didn't want to have this child in the bathroom of a Value Village, probably one of the most unsanitary places (besides truck stops) in the Western world.

We get to the street of the hospital, it's now just after 1pm. Let's chill out in this random high school parking lot next to the hospital. My contractions are now 6-7 minutes apart again. We sat for almost 30 minutes but the intensity was increasing. I think we better check in now.

Big Dragon pulls up to the Emergency door and grabs a wheelchair. This wheelchair was ginormous. We later learned that it was a Bariatrics sized chair (nurse code for obese). Thanks for making me feel special. However, because it was Hummer sized we were able to put all of our many, many bags on it. Wheeling up to the 8th floor, penthouse suite, we pulled up to the window to "register" and check in. "Hello" said the woman, "When are you due?" Tomorrow. "How far apart are your contractions?" 6-7 sitting, 3-4 standing/walking. Because I didn't say the magic number of 5 it was like she didn't believe how far along my active labour had progressed. "Alright, we can put her in this room". A nurse chats with me and says she needs to get the "stuff" to check on my contractions etc. I wait... almost 30 minutes for her return. I can overhear her talking to the other staff about me. She is very calm, this is her 2nd pregnancy, doesn't seem to be in any pain. So no rush. Maybe they are right. Could this be Braxton Hicks? No.

Yes, they were real contractions and wait, oh yes. You have dilated 7cm and have bulging membranes. Meaning, my water could break at any time.

It's go time. The nurse said she couldn't believe how composed I was considering how far along I was and that I shouldn't be smiling in the hallways because the other labouring moms would be jealous. I was still chill and joking around. I told them that we had a sitter watching our 2 year old and this was "date night" for us. We had snacks and bubbly in one of our bags and darn it, we were going to have a good time.

The delivery room boasted of a jacuzzi tub. I said I would give that a whirl and spent close to 1 hr. The whole time trying to figure out why they called it a jacuzzi. There was no button for jets. What a gimmick. 

And then hell took over. The contractions now were VERY close together and VERY painful. I did want to try for a "natural" birth, but I cried UNCLE. Um.. can I get an epidural now, please. Or the very least a "walking epidural"? The nurse reaffirmed me, yes, if that is what you wish, but she would be leaving to go on-break now and would have the doctors come soon. After I heard her utter the word, BREAK, I knew that I was being left to the wolves.

She also mentioned that because I was so far along that I would experience a type of relief of pain once my water broke and I was able to start pushing.

Hmmm.... I buzzed for a nurse. I was literally yelling "It hurts, it hurts" during each awful contraction. Break my water! Let's finish this thing we started.

The nurse returned. Oh no one came to give you pain management options? Oh, the only doctor was called to the OR for an emergency delivery? Oh, sooo sorry. I guess we can get another doctor (I assume it was a resident) to break your water if that is what you really want. YES!

It was difficult. I have never experienced pain like it. I was focused on one little spot on the ceiling and if Big Dragon leaned in to tell me what a good job I was doing or I love you, I screamed bloody murder at him. Don't touch me! Get out of here! I was one of those nut jobs you see on the movies. At one point some cute little 25 year old person with little red glasses and a matching red case for her Ipad came in and stood there smiling at me. WHO ARE YOU!? I screamed at her. Cause really, when someone enters the room they usually say something like, "Hi, my name is Wanda and I will be your nurse until 7pm." Or "Hi, I am Dr. So-and-So". Why was this random person here? And she needed to wipe that smile off of her face asap. Turns out she was a student doctor as well, there to "observe". Yeah, observe this, don't have kids. Ever.

Also, these ladies ask really DUMB questions. Right when I am pushing this massive head out and it is bearing down in my nether regions, they ask, on a scale of 1-10 what is my pain level at?? I screamed at them immediately, like they were idiots, 10! 10!

Anyways... Honey Badger came out. He looks a lot like Little Dragon. He has a few of his own features, but definitely from the same mold. 5:17pm on December 31, 2014, the length of 20 1/4 inches, screaming and a healthy red glow to his skin, weighing a whopping 7 pounds 15 ounces (almost 2 more pounds than his big brother's birth weight).

I do the final push of the placenta and this time (unlike the 1st) it comes out in one piece. That's good. While the nurse stitches my "tiny" 2nd degree tear (Why do they say TINY when they have to use the term 2nd degree immediately following..? Doesn't make sense to me) I use the nitrous oxide. Don't put it too close to your mouth cause you could pass out. Okay, I fade from in to out of consciousness, pretending I am not too effected. I don't remember too much of that point. Man, that stuff is good. Probably the closest I will ever come to knowing what drunk feels like.

Just like last time, we got a ward for the recovery room. Hopefully IF we decide to have another kid, next time we will have decent insurance or the very least a decent income to get a private. It was a massive $220 a night for a private and I would rather put that money to new nursing bras and newborn pictures than to a hospital. But that night was painful, almost as bad as labour. The two other babies were undergoing photo-therapy for jaundice and were intermittently crying the whole night through. BOTH of the moms snored and one of the mom's, when she wasn't sounding like a Hoover vaccum, was coughing up a lung. The next day, she later went for chest x-rays to check on her massive cough. I buzzed the nurse at one point and asked her for a cough drop... for the other lady!

Ontario is messed too. Because Honey Badger had lost 6% of his birth weight they weren't sure if they would be able to release me after 24 hrs. We might need you to stay another night just to make sure he doesn't lose any more weight. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Well, promise that you will get him weighed and that he will see his doctor in 24 hrs. Umm.. you do know that it is a holiday today and then the weekend. NO clinic is open and the ones that are are FULL of people with Colds and the FLU and have a massive wait time. Okay, I said. At this point I would have been alright with cutting off a finger with a rusty knife if it meant I could sleep in my own bed and have my own bathroom.

Needless to say, Honey Badger has been gaining weight rather pleasantly. When we saw his doctor 4 days later she said he was almost at his birth weight again and looked healthy and fine. Take that hospitals!!! And most importantly this Momma got SLEEP!

Nighty Night...